Acolytes often wind up stabbing their mentors through the heart, so Baldwin's response to Wright is nothing new. It's how writers and intellectuals grow and separate themselves. (Most of the famous cases are of men; are there well-known cases of women doing so? Memo to self: Research this.) And Baldwin was a difficult guy with difficult relationships. I don't think it's bad to add some sugar to the medicine.
What do you want from your friendships? To be seen and heard and understood, and still loved? Some friendships will survive that test. Others, ones that are more rooted in shared tribal beliefs (to put it in current jargon) won't. You know Elizabeth Barrett Browning's Sonnet 14? The first part reads:
If thou must love me, let it be for nought
Except for love's sake only. Do not say,
"I love her for her smile—her look—her way
Of speaking gently,—for a trick of thought
That falls in well with mine, and certes brought
A sense of pleasant ease on such a day"—
For these things in themselves, Belovèd, may
Be changed, or change for thee—and love, so wrought,
May be unwrought so.
We have friends who love us for a trick of thought that falls in well with theirs and brought a sense of pleasant ease. But Browning is right, those things can and do change. It's painful, but it's part of the human condition. I hope I don't sound dismissive; when I say it's painful, I mean it's *really* painful. From my own life experience, though, I can tell you that my best friends have come to see that everything is a lot more complicated than we thought it was when we were young and starry-eyed. Those friendships endure.
I hope you keep writing and finding your voice. You may need to experiment with adding or subtracting sugar to find your own authentic speech.
Oh, and visiting friends in the flesh is invaluable. Face to face allows for more melding and communion. It just does.
This is very well-written and thoughtful, Marie. The pain that many of us feel over our alienation from our former tribes is devastating. I feel fortunate, in some ways, that I moved for retirement right before Covid so am not physically close to many of my woke friends. I keep my mouth shut, mostly, on social media. Two years ago, I was giving trainings on "White Fragility"; now I'm just begging for some understanding of nuance. And, not to be creepy, but if you ever want to fly out to the Pacific Northwest, we have a guest room and access to wine!
It is, again, really interesting to know more about the path that has lead you to writing the blog, and your context.
I've been commenting on a number of your posts, and I don't know if it's helpful or adding value, but I hope that it is. It seems like you're engaged with important problems and questions and that your emotional reactions are interesting.
My first thought, reading the essay, is to note again, that the skills and temperament that make for a perceptive writer and critic are not necessarily the same as those that help to find allies and build groups. The former benefits from a willingness to dismiss many of the reasons that people have for doing what they do and justifying the status quo, and the latter benefits from a generosity towards people and recognition of the way in which we are situated in a variety of social structures that we have mixed feelings about.
My second thought is that I think writing about these questions online can be a really good way of thinking through them -- though there are pitfalls.
My own online experience is idiosyncratic. I'm not active on social media, but my online home (emotionally speaking) is commenting on a long-running blog which is notable for having unusually good and productive arguments. I have often had my mind changed and my thinking sharpened by reading other people's arguments, and I know that it's possible to find or build an online community in which people are good readers of each other and are responsive to what other people think and write -- though that seems unusual.
So I hope, as you write this, you also develop a better sense of what you want from your readers (and commenters) and what feels like helpful engagement to you. I think (*knock on wood*) that if you're able to figure out what engagement you want and find benefits in from strangers online that will also make it easier for you to figure out how to engage friends in a way that fits within the existing two-way exchange of the friendship.
Marie, you're speaking to me. The whole point is, this process is messy. Because humans and human relationships are messy. But there's no room for a mess in the current woke ideology. An ideology that seems to say, "if you aren't an audience member shouting Amen to the woke ideologues (because white silence is violence, but you better not center yourself by having thoughts or feelings or questions or ideas), you must be quiet and you can never have an authentic relationship with a person of color because you're racist."
I appreciate this story, because I've been through similar situations. But haven't we gone a little off the rails when a white person can't say "I like your shirt" to a Black person without wondering where she is on the spectrum of racism? And then we blame her for feeling stressed about it? And then we scold her for "centering" herself and her feelings in the very environment that has been specifically set up to discuss racism? It takes constant vigilance to fight your thoughts...that doesn't sound like a very life-giving relationship. And if we aren't allowed to expect our relationships with people of other races to be life-giving (because we're requiring them to do emotional labor) then what kind of relationship can white people ever have with people of color?
I'm asking 100% earnestly. And I would love an answer that goes beyond "you haven't done the work" or "you're so entrenched in your biases you can't even see it." I have, and I can. I was 100% on board with this ideology until it began resembling the Christianity I walked away from, in which I am always a hopeless sinner, there is no real path to redemption, and the only hope for me is to be forgiven by someone else.
Survey your friends. Among them do you find Republicans, Democrats, Libertarians, etc.? Trump supporters and haters? If so then it is far less likely that your friends will disown you for heterodox views. And by this I mean that if you are the type of person who collects diverse friends then those friends are in turn much more likely to be tolerant and open minded individuals with their own set of diverse acquaintances.
I would also add this: somebody on Twitter posted that most people throw out ideas not to see those ideas tested and examined but rather for reasons of affirmation and tribalism. Actually critiquing those ideas will result in hurt and shock most of the time. Geeks, of course, often fail to recognize this and consequently step in a lot of land mines.
This is an excellent essay, Marie.
Acolytes often wind up stabbing their mentors through the heart, so Baldwin's response to Wright is nothing new. It's how writers and intellectuals grow and separate themselves. (Most of the famous cases are of men; are there well-known cases of women doing so? Memo to self: Research this.) And Baldwin was a difficult guy with difficult relationships. I don't think it's bad to add some sugar to the medicine.
What do you want from your friendships? To be seen and heard and understood, and still loved? Some friendships will survive that test. Others, ones that are more rooted in shared tribal beliefs (to put it in current jargon) won't. You know Elizabeth Barrett Browning's Sonnet 14? The first part reads:
If thou must love me, let it be for nought
Except for love's sake only. Do not say,
"I love her for her smile—her look—her way
Of speaking gently,—for a trick of thought
That falls in well with mine, and certes brought
A sense of pleasant ease on such a day"—
For these things in themselves, Belovèd, may
Be changed, or change for thee—and love, so wrought,
May be unwrought so.
We have friends who love us for a trick of thought that falls in well with theirs and brought a sense of pleasant ease. But Browning is right, those things can and do change. It's painful, but it's part of the human condition. I hope I don't sound dismissive; when I say it's painful, I mean it's *really* painful. From my own life experience, though, I can tell you that my best friends have come to see that everything is a lot more complicated than we thought it was when we were young and starry-eyed. Those friendships endure.
I hope you keep writing and finding your voice. You may need to experiment with adding or subtracting sugar to find your own authentic speech.
Oh, and visiting friends in the flesh is invaluable. Face to face allows for more melding and communion. It just does.
This is very well-written and thoughtful, Marie. The pain that many of us feel over our alienation from our former tribes is devastating. I feel fortunate, in some ways, that I moved for retirement right before Covid so am not physically close to many of my woke friends. I keep my mouth shut, mostly, on social media. Two years ago, I was giving trainings on "White Fragility"; now I'm just begging for some understanding of nuance. And, not to be creepy, but if you ever want to fly out to the Pacific Northwest, we have a guest room and access to wine!
It is, again, really interesting to know more about the path that has lead you to writing the blog, and your context.
I've been commenting on a number of your posts, and I don't know if it's helpful or adding value, but I hope that it is. It seems like you're engaged with important problems and questions and that your emotional reactions are interesting.
My first thought, reading the essay, is to note again, that the skills and temperament that make for a perceptive writer and critic are not necessarily the same as those that help to find allies and build groups. The former benefits from a willingness to dismiss many of the reasons that people have for doing what they do and justifying the status quo, and the latter benefits from a generosity towards people and recognition of the way in which we are situated in a variety of social structures that we have mixed feelings about.
My second thought is that I think writing about these questions online can be a really good way of thinking through them -- though there are pitfalls.
My own online experience is idiosyncratic. I'm not active on social media, but my online home (emotionally speaking) is commenting on a long-running blog which is notable for having unusually good and productive arguments. I have often had my mind changed and my thinking sharpened by reading other people's arguments, and I know that it's possible to find or build an online community in which people are good readers of each other and are responsive to what other people think and write -- though that seems unusual.
So I hope, as you write this, you also develop a better sense of what you want from your readers (and commenters) and what feels like helpful engagement to you. I think (*knock on wood*) that if you're able to figure out what engagement you want and find benefits in from strangers online that will also make it easier for you to figure out how to engage friends in a way that fits within the existing two-way exchange of the friendship.
Marie, you're speaking to me. The whole point is, this process is messy. Because humans and human relationships are messy. But there's no room for a mess in the current woke ideology. An ideology that seems to say, "if you aren't an audience member shouting Amen to the woke ideologues (because white silence is violence, but you better not center yourself by having thoughts or feelings or questions or ideas), you must be quiet and you can never have an authentic relationship with a person of color because you're racist."
For example, I just read this article which was linked in an Instagram account I follow: https://depinomelissa.medium.com/in-our-white-feelings-on-the-path-to-antiracism-5987e70a4dfb
And then I wrote this response, and deleted it:
I appreciate this story, because I've been through similar situations. But haven't we gone a little off the rails when a white person can't say "I like your shirt" to a Black person without wondering where she is on the spectrum of racism? And then we blame her for feeling stressed about it? And then we scold her for "centering" herself and her feelings in the very environment that has been specifically set up to discuss racism? It takes constant vigilance to fight your thoughts...that doesn't sound like a very life-giving relationship. And if we aren't allowed to expect our relationships with people of other races to be life-giving (because we're requiring them to do emotional labor) then what kind of relationship can white people ever have with people of color?
I'm asking 100% earnestly. And I would love an answer that goes beyond "you haven't done the work" or "you're so entrenched in your biases you can't even see it." I have, and I can. I was 100% on board with this ideology until it began resembling the Christianity I walked away from, in which I am always a hopeless sinner, there is no real path to redemption, and the only hope for me is to be forgiven by someone else.
Very thoughtful piece! I like your stuff because you seem (you are?) more interested in getting it “right” right then in “winning” the argument.
My free advice is something I told my wife, a member of the clergy: don’t be afraid to pitch inside.
Survey your friends. Among them do you find Republicans, Democrats, Libertarians, etc.? Trump supporters and haters? If so then it is far less likely that your friends will disown you for heterodox views. And by this I mean that if you are the type of person who collects diverse friends then those friends are in turn much more likely to be tolerant and open minded individuals with their own set of diverse acquaintances.
I would also add this: somebody on Twitter posted that most people throw out ideas not to see those ideas tested and examined but rather for reasons of affirmation and tribalism. Actually critiquing those ideas will result in hurt and shock most of the time. Geeks, of course, often fail to recognize this and consequently step in a lot of land mines.